July 23, 1845: “Political Meditations of the Immaculate Democratic Panjandrum— the great I AM!—the illustrious Doctor BROWN—F. R. S—L. L. D. and A SS.” , by anon, published in the Milwaukee Sentinel.
This anonymous quatrain, by the editorial board of the Milwaukee Sentinel, skewers John A. Brown, editor of the Milwaukee Currier and leader the local Democratic Party. Then, by quill pens, editors battled each other in their gazettes to increase or maintain their circulation. Editors needed to please their benefactors, such as political parties and business concerns. This obtuse piece seems to placate the sponsors, instead of feeding the subscribers.
Who says I’m not John Brown—the great I AM!
The immaculate oracle—the roaring great gun;
The blazing rocket—the awful blunderbuss
Of Milwaukie’s all-powerful Courier?
’Shdeath! let cantankerous varmints dare deny
That I'm th’ veritable John—th’ great He-Cow
And “Calathumpian”-killer, and I’ll wallop them
As blue as blazes, and a little bluer!
Don’t I measure six feet in stockings & in breeches
Aint such an animal heighth conclusive
That I’m the intellectual luminary, around
Which all the smaller fry should hover?
Ask “brother Miter” if, in by-gone days I didn’t
Dip my goose-quill in sappy, slimy liquid, and
Write myself an ass in writing him a bigot?
Of this there’s no dispute—not any.
What tho’ I am beef-headed—and my brains,
Unlike the mental citadel of other men,
Are deeply in my shin-bones buried—I’m greater
Than Julius Cesar—and no mistake!
If any doubt my parts and talents, let them read
The brilliant columns of the Courier. If they
Don’t say I’m a “ring-tail roarer” & a snorter,
Then they don’t tell the half what they oughter!
What tho’ a score of scurvy Calathumpians
Denounced my darling Courier, and declared
It not worth the confidence of the glorious party,
And kicked my compliment’ry resolution to the d—1,
Didn’t I give ’em jessie?—aye, didn’t
I give the rascals thunder and blixem
By opening the floodgates of my fiery fury,
And showering on them both gass & bombast?
Now should these bolters dare to kalkulate
That they won’t go for Martin & my 'principal,'
I’ll give them such a blessing as was never
Slobbered on heads refractory and hardened!
The kritters must yet learn most truly,
That they “can’t come to tea” by kicking
Up a dust so nasty; for I, the great John Brown
Have said it—and that’s conclusive.
They yet must learn that I’m an F. R. S.
An L. L. D. of fame and great renown;
An A. SS most clearly to be seen;
And tho’ half baked, I surely am “done Brown.”