February 3, 1847: “To a ‘Bachelor’”, by Mary, published in the Milwaukee Daily Sentinel.
I have not vanity enough, sir, to think that I come up to all that you ask in your practical proposition. You may, however “go farther and fare worse.” What I think of myself you will find below; What you think of me I may never know.
I’ve no claim to Beauty,
Yet I know my duty;
Can cook, can make coffee and tea;
Can set a good table—
That is if you’re able
To furnish material free.
I am over twenty;
Of years quite a plenty,
To make you a sensible wife:
And of drawing and music,
Enough to make you sick,
I warrant I have, “on my life."
Of talent, a sample—
As in your example—
I give in reply to your proffer:
But with riches unnumbered
I ne’er was encumbered,
And have not a farthing to offer.
Of the quality “other,
Derived from the mother,”
I think I have got a full share;
But if you think to marry,
If no cash you carry,
I fear you have no wit to spare.
I can play whist and chess well;
Can dance, ride and dress well;
My bonnet, what’s rare, has no feather;
I am never affected,
And seldom dejected,
And have health in all kinds of weather.
Now if your attractions
Consist of the "fractions"
Of hundreds of thousands of dollars;
If you dress yourself neatly—
Coat, Hat, boots, completely,
With snowy white bosoms and collars;
If you go to Church weekly,
Behave yourself meekly,
And attention due, pay to the sermon;
If you know aught of history,
Goethe, and mystery,
So you can talk with the German;
If you know how to carve,
And will not let me starve,
Can appear very well at a ball:
If you ne’er were seen drinking,
Nor smoking, I’m thinking,
You soon on the Parson may call.
Milwaukee, Jan. 30th, 1847
January 27, 1847: “To the Ladies”, by anon, published in the Milwaukee Daily Sentinel.
After having spent the most part of the evening in company with a few friends, discoursing upon the various topics of the day, I was left alone to amuse myself with no other companions than my books. These, however, were not as amusing as usual, for my mind commenced ruminating upon the prospects of old bachelorism which seemed to be obscured by clouds of gloom. But how should I help myself? I lacked courage to break the subject in person. While I was exercised with these reflections, my thoughts ran into the following poetic strain; though no other subject could possibly inspire a poetic imagination in so dull a cranium. I shall hope to hear it responded to by some fair one, “God bless them.”
Ye Ladies fair, no matter where,
Give ear to my proposal;
I now proclaim, in earnest strain,
That I’m at your disposal.
The question’s solved, I am resolved
That I had better marry:
The feminine, that would be mine,
Speak quick, and do not tarry.
I am not old, nor am I bold
Enough to pop the question:
Then some of you, with courage true
Just make the sweet suggestion.
I hope the Miss that looks at this,
Will not believe me joking;
For I’m sincere: you need not fear
I could be so provoking.
But as to wealth, as well as health
And personal attraction:
I must confess I do possess
Of acres but a "fraction.”
And as for wit, I have a bit
Inherited from mother:
And women they most always say
A child can need no other.
And as for age, I will engage
I am but thirty-two;
And Cupid’s dart aimed at my heart
Might well my heart subdue.
The lady fair, that fain would share
Connubial bliss with me;
Let her propose, in verse or prose,
And wedded we may be.
But since I find myself inclined,
I'll make but one suggestion:—
If she is pretty, young and witty,
That settles the whole question.
Milwaukee, Jan. 26, 1846.